this heart that ails.

ugh.

i feel like giving up.
i almost did.
i think i did for psych paper.

and i don't know what happens, or what will happen.
kg told me funny things. i smiled on the bus,
and i gave a heavy inward sigh.
how hard is it?
very.

why is it especially painful for me when it comes to things of this sort?
i get over it.
or think i did,
then it comes back and haunt me.
then i'm really over it,
and something else comes along and beats me in the head and stabs me right in the heart again.
and i think they're oblivious to it.

but i shall be like Mary,
who treasured things in her heart,
and in quiet trust and endurance,
persevere til that day comes.

maybe i'm really starting to let go.
all the moments spent day-dreaming,
i can only sigh and smile sadly.
hope of what's yet to be,
deep down, desperately hoping something would come true,
but i think i'll turn away,
and i'm just so afraid.
keep me going strong,
for i am so weak.

so weak.

it's going to be a long night.
many regrets,
and with one more paper to go.
so much.

think it's too much for me to handle right now.
so please come,
see me through.

8:41 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

thank you God for bringing dad safely back.


am i lost or just less found?
on the straight or on the roundabout on the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me,
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb

speak to me
in the light of the dawn
mercy comes with the morning
i will sigh
and with all creation groan
as i wait for Hope to come for me


my picture failed to upload.
and at moments like these,
a picture says more than what i can express.

12:11 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i think at the end of the day,
my regret would be,

i wish i had cared more, and loved more.
it doesn't matter who what you did-right or wrong,
but if i had loved you enough,
and shared with you what God's love is like.

caught up with too many thoughts at the moment.
perhaps it would be easier to just go home right now.

depressed?

but i shall set my face as hard as stone,
and keep my eyes fixed on You.
only by Your grace and strength,
i shall walk on.

Labels: but not destroyed., struck down

1:09 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Antonovsky argues that a strong sense of coherence is the key factor. Coherence, in his view, is a personal orientation that allows an individual to view the world with feelings of confidence, faith in the predictability of events, and a notion that things will most likely work out reasonably well. One achieves this sense of coherence as a result of life experiences in which one meets challenges, participates in shaping outcomes (usually satisfactory) and copes with varying degrees of stimuli. Hence, the person has the resources to cope with unexpected situations if they arise.
He also states that people who have the capability to come to terms with their unpleasant situation rather than to be overcome by it, are those who are most likely to emerge in a healthy condition.

"Medical Sociology (11th ed.)" by Cockerham

how true.

but only when i place Christ in the picture, would it then make perfect sense.
that it is only in Christ alone, that i can find my hope.
that i can say, "Come what may, i will emerge in a healthy condition. not really physically, but spiritually."

to know that my sinless Saviour died for me on Calvary,
and was raised from the dead,
rescued my soul and lifted me from shame,
took my blame, and bore the terrible wrath of God on Himself,
then i can bow my head with tears and thanksgiving and say,
"It is well with my soul."

the resources to cope with unexpected situations?
i do not have,
but my God graciously provides,
and His grace shall be more than sufficient to carry me through.

i looked up at my lecturers with much hesitance and ponderance in my head,
my friends with much indignation,
but my heart ails.
i am scared, i admit.
terrified,
of what lies in the month of may and june.
but i know my God shall be more than enough.
or as someone once put it,
"God shall be all i have."

tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
and to take Him at His word

Jesus Jesus
how i trust You
how i've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus
Precious Jesus
O for grace to trust Him more!

12:06 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

a walk back in the drizzle in the night.
seemed a little dreary.

wearing my purple slippers,
splashing on the pavement and puddles of water.
being careful not to fall on the slippery parts.
getting my feet dirty as i feel the dirt and black stuff in between my toes.
feeling the cool wind against my face,
my hands tucked in my pockets,
and just walking on.

i thought about many things,
wished for many things.

i wondered, why i felt yucky bout getting my toes dirty with the sand and dirt.
why i avoided puddles in the road.

so i did the opposite.
splashed here and there,
didn't bother about the dirt.

and i realised,
if my feet were dirty,
i could just wash them.
why did i avoid the puddles, and felt irritated when my feet felt dirty?
so i splashed on and walked on.

do we get upset over things that can simply be 'washed away'?
like the dirt and sand on our feet,
avoiding every puddle and wayward crack possible,
only to make the journey back home sometimes an unhappy and frustrating one.
holding onto things that perhaps,
can simply be washed away when we turn the tap and wash the dust and soil on our feet with forgiveness, love, and tears.

perhaps using Dettol soap in the shower would help comfort you that it kills 99.9% bacteria and germs.

and then, you would still lie down in bed,
with your feet clean.

just a little splash.
a little dirt and sand on your feet.

something for me to ponder about tonight.

whatever happened to childlike faith and innocence?

10:54 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i'm excited.
and i'm prob crazy.
my first attempt to make an ice cream cake in the early hours of the morning.
and i'm excited to find out how it turns out!

smiles.

(:

strawberry shortcake (Ben and Jerry's) with Mcvites Digestive biscuits.
yum yum.

made a little mess. cleaned up.
had a little trouble getting the crumbs to crumbs, and staying down while i spread the ice cream.
i hope it turns out wonderful(:

what small joys there are in the early/late hours of the night.

sammie shared my joy for awhile(:

i'm reli happy.
i don't know why.

i hope the ice cream cake turns out reli nicely.
and dad will enjoy it before he goes to Indo on wed.
i'll miss him.

love you dad.

3:48 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

can't sleep.

what do you do?

can't seem to be right.
get right.
or whatever.

dazing off constantly.

can't seem to focus.

full and feeling that sense of wanting to vomit everything out.
hmm.

decortication of the heart.

open the windows for a little breeze.
discontentment.
failure to wake up.

lacking the grace to waste the memories away.

needful of grace to pull through the 2 and a half more wks.

and then wad lies beyond.
seems like an awful lot of loneliness,
away even from friends in varsity.

what is it that is out there?

unable to comprehend, or apprehend.

would this friday morning be a different one?

would dread and despair bring me to my knees once again?

or failure be my friend and companion once again.

at the edge of my seat in wanting to be a little of this and that.
and what my mind is trying to put together.

neither here nor there.

to the salvation army.

what angst in your voice.

i will send you off next wed morn,
and perhaps bear tears in my eyes.

seems to me that afternoon when we had a talk;
it wasn't that long ago,
but so much had changed.

but i will miss you when you're gone for the few days.

and i think to myself terrible thoughts.
i don't want to.

if i had a car license.
or a bike.

i would.

why this sense of loss?
grief?
despair?

but i will yet put my hope and trust in You,
O Lord, my Rock.

that You would still hear from someone as wretched as i am.

You saw my mistakes
You watched my heart break
so i will be weak
unable to speak
and i will call You by name

Creator
Secret-Keeper
Best Friend
Saviour
Life-sustainer
Comforter
Healer
my Redeemer
Lord
King
Beginning
the End

I AM

away with the sniffs and wheezes and coughs.

12:59 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED. or don't watch it if u get queasy watching blood and gross stuff.
below is a video of carotid endarterectomy: an operation where you cut open the carotid artery and removing fatty plaque from the artery as it is impeding blood flow to the brain, and this might result in severe tissue damage becos of ischemia.
my tutor showed me during tutorial, and oh my.
i reaally don't want to consume foods that might cause this to happen.

12:07 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

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all the brothers and sisters

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of old.

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credits.

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wonderful people

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